Tomorrow Almost Wasn’t

Updated: May 10

Let me preface this article with I’m in a good mental headspace, regularly go to therapy, and have healthy coping skills to combat my mental health. This article is to help aide, educate and facilitate healthy progression through tough life events through my own personal encounters.

TRIGGER WARNING: talks of suicide throughout this article.

I was driving through the backroads of Sedona, Arizona with "Springsteen" by Eric Church blasting while I hung my face out the window of the car thinking to myself, "Holy shit, I’m living a core memory right now. Can you believe that you made it? You did it. You survived."

Not but two years ago, I felt like I didn't have what it took to have all of the things I have now. I was laid off from my second job in six months, I started my business during a global pandemic, I didn't have a cent saved up or even a back-up plan. I spent year after year trying to make what I thought was my "dream life" work by shrinking myself to serve in small corporate roles where my voice was silenced and my skills looked at as replaceable at the slightest difference of opinion. I felt like a failure.

I had a one-way ticket to my dream life or I was going to give up and call it quits — literally.

I remember driving through the desert thinking to myself, "Aren't you glad you believed in yourself, even just for a little bit? Because now we're here, living this magical moment."

You see, at many points in my life, I wanted to call it quits and end it all. I wanted to give up because it didn't seem like anything would get better. Bills kept piling up, rejection email after rejection email was read, I had job after job fail. When I did finally get into a role that I thought was going to be the foundation to build my life on, it would all come crumbling down. All of the things that I once thought would make me happy, actually made me fall deeper and deeper into a hole. The thought of living was so excruciating that I honestly felt like death was sweeter than the sick reality that I was living. I remember screaming to Dylan about how badly I wanted my life to work out, how badly I wanted to figure out what was "wrong with me" and why I couldn't seem to get it right. I hated the life that I had built. My life was built around expectations and wants and needs from society and other people in my life projecting their insecurities and failed dreams onto me. My life started to morph into this brain child of what I thought was the dream life, but in reality, it was everything that I was not at the core of who I am as an individual.

What's the point of living if the life I'm living is killing me inside?

It seems almost omnipotent to be writing a blog that is titled "I Killed Myself Today" when all I'm talking about is how my past has brought me to this realization — the realization that life, although sometimes unfair, continues on. You have a choice to make the best of your situation and choose to improve or continue to stay stagnant.

But somehow, in that moment while I was driving through Sedona, it all made sense to me. My past was meant to make me strong, yet, all together more compassionate. That moment in time felt almost euphoric; it was like the final piece of the puzzle in my brain finally pushed into place as I stood back and looked at the mental picture of what my experiences have been trying to paint me over the last five years of my life.

I remember thinking to myself, "Think of all the conversations and experiences that you've had over the last two years of your life. Imagine if you actually killed yourself; look at all the things you would have missed out on."

I wouldn't have been able to call my dad after a shitty day to hear him tell me that everything would turn out alright because I chose to end my life.

I wouldn't have been able to build my dream life around my actual needs and wants because I chose to end my life.

I wouldn't have been able to experience all of the amazing things that my travel elopement photography brand has in store for 2022/2023 because I chose to end my life.

I wouldn't be able to watch another Carolina sunset because I chose to end my life.

I wouldn't be able to call my parents or Dylan to let them know I booked another dream elopement because I chose to end my life.

I never would have been able to see myself grow into the woman I always dreamed of becoming because I chose to end my life.

I wouldn't have been able to impact the lives of my brides/couples on their wedding day because I chose to end my life.

I wouldn't have been able to find my purpose because I chose to end my life.

I wouldn’t have been able to impact the lives that I have, (without my knowledge, too, might I add) because I chose to end my life.

I wouldn’t be able to live to see a better tomorrow because I chose to end my life — and that is the premise of this whole think piece.

It may seem as though it is so easy for me to sit here and type this blog in black and white and tell you how easy it was for me to do this — to "pull myself up by my boot straps and fight" but it was literal hell on earth for me. It was never easy for me. It still isn't easy for me.

I started to live for the hope of a better tomorrow. Then I started to live for different people in my life. I began to think to myself how my dad would be if I killed myself or how my mom would feel if I killed myself. I finally realized that killing myself would be so selfish, for many reasons. I would have been cheating myself out of tomorrow's happiness just because I've had days where I felt like it would never get better, but the truth is, it did -- and when I feel like I've experienced my "peak" something else amazing happens in my life that makes me say, "Wow, I'm so grateful I'm here to experience this."

Rock bottom will teach you things that no mountain top could.

You see, the little voice inside your head that's trying to convince you to give up after you've spent your last dollar trying to make your dream come to life is a thief — all they're trying to do is steal the joy that is so rightfully yours to begin with. The joy and opportunity of what tomorrow will bring is so much greater than the disappointment of today.

Life is nothing but ebbs and flows of good and bad. Nothing good lasts for ever but nothing bad last forever either. Life is hard, and it will always be hard. Life is never fair and no one ever said it was either.

If you don't like the life you've living, create a new one. Quit your shitty job. Say no to that obligation because it no longer makes you happy. Go for a walk, feel the sunshine on your face. No, it's not as simple and black and white as that. But the revolution that I started within my heart started with me believing myself one day and continuing to show up for myself even when I didn't want to because I believed that there was a better tomorrow if I kept working towards it. Every day is not easy. Some days I don't do anything at all but exist. But I refuse to keep myself down because I have experienced things in this life that have brought me immense joy simply because I believed that they were meant for me.

It's not easy to just get up from rock bottom. Hell, I stayed in rock bottom for a while. I'll share a few things that have helped me through the years regain conscious gratitude for the things that I have.

  1. Always be grateful for the opportunity to create the life of your dreams.

  2. No one, and I mean no one, will push you to achieve your goals other than you and you alone. No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to help you. No one is coming to do the work for you. That's the secret; you are your own Superman. Once you begin to put in the hard work to heal your wounds and believe that there is better for you, that's when you'll begin to see radical change in your life.

  3. What you focus on multiplies. If you focus on the negative, the negative will multiply. If you focus on the positive, the positive will multiply; self-explanatory.

  4. The grass is greener where you water it. What you put your energy into grows, what you don't put your energy into, suffers. Remember that.

  5. Rest is necessary and required for you to be successful and find your true path.

  6. If you keep trying to make something work only to be met with doors slammed in your face, you're being asked to rest and reflect. God speaks to you in these moments and what you may think is best for you and you receive rejection is actually him protecting you.

  7. Other people's opinion of your life should not and cannot matter when you're creating your own path. Period.

  8. If you live your life off of the approval and opinions of others, they will continue to live their life the same exact way and you will start to live your life on the choices and opinions of others, not on your own understanding. You are the only one living with the choices you make. Make sure the choices you're making make sense to you and you only.

  9. No one is as focused on you as you are on yourself. Stop over-analyzing and fixating on mistakes and "should haves" or "could haves". What's in the past is done and what is in the future is not guaranteed so start to live your life for today and deal with tomorrow when it comes.

  10. You world begins and ends with you. Building a firm foundation within yourself is the key to your success. However, you can build your foundation within yourself as you build around you. You are constantly growing, constantly healing, and constantly building your life. There will not ever be a finish line to healing; it's continuous. Be kind to yourself and remember feelings and emotions are part of the human experience, all good and bad emotions.

  11. If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now, and you would be where you wanted to be. Instead, try being kinder to yourself. Allow yourself the time to rest. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. It is okay to not be okay.

If you or a loved one are struggling with mental health issues and need some assistance, please contact the National Suicide Hotline at (800) 273-8255.

If you're struggling and would like to look into online resources like talk therapy, please use this referral link to get paired with a therapist through BetterHelp.

You matter. Your dreams matter. Your mental health matters. You are not a failure. You are meant for incredible things, and there are days that you have not lived that will become core memories that you look back on and say, just as I did, "Wow, I'm so glad I didn't give up, because I'm now able to experience this."



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